Fields Of Innocence
by xdarkdreamer
Summary: One-Shot! Song fic to "Fields Of Innocence" by Evanescence. Harry's thoughts of his life and how he changed and he left his childhood behind. (PG13 just to be sure.)


One-shot. First fic in a long ass time. Forgive the sloppiness. --;  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Nor do I own "Fields Of Innocence", by Evanescence. ..I still remember the world from the eyes of child  
  
I lay against the tree that shaded the lake in front of me. I use to go here, before when I thought that my troubles were the worst. Hah, how cruel things have turned now. And if I could have gone back to when I was innocent like that again... I don't know if I could, because losing your innocence is one of the most painful things ever, and knowing I'd have to go through that again. But I can think back of when I was a child and almost smile at how naive I was. Reminds me of when you see kids fall and scrape their knees and cry because of the pain... I remember I was always confused about what happened. If only I could be confused now.  
  
Slowly those feelings were clouded by what I know now.  
  
Now the equivalent of scraping my knees is much more harsh. The memories which have haunted me and thrown away any happiness, come back again. I clench the grass in an attempt to keep them away. Training your mind to keep away thoughts is hard, and eventually you fail and they fall on top of you like an avalanche. And you fall, too. Knowledge ruins you. When you have knowledge, then you have gone through something to achieve such, and maybe it would have been better if you didn't know at all.  
  
Where has my heart gone?  
  
I realize, with a start, that I've become bitter. I'm almost more shocked than I have regret. When you seemed to have done everything to help, and it doesn't work... I struggled so hard to help, I needed to, in order to feel good about myself, not guilty.. But it didn't work. I ruined it all. And now I've ended up broken and cold. It must appear like I don't care about anything. I've treated people poorly lately. But they too need to learn.. Innocence will be everybody's downfall, as it was mine.  
  
An uneven trade for the real world.  
  
But my other thoughts contradict that. I was happy then. Now look at me. I don't even know what I got out of this. I fought so hard, for what? Nothing. It's not fair. I was brought down even farther by this.. The wind is now harsh, like me, and it whips my face. It's cold, but I feel something almost burning my cheeks. Tears. When did I last cry? I'm not exactly crying now, not really, just a few tears. But I wish I could be like them... Upon this thought I look towards the castle, what I called home for so long. It's still more of a home than anywhere else, but more of a manipulative function. How bittersweet it all is. The place I love like no other, but the place I also hate for using me.  
  
Oh I - I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all  
  
I never knew they were using me before. I thought everyone in the damned place had something a little special about them. I was no different when I walked into that school than anybody else. And I would be happy here. At least when you're equals with everybody, you can't be a "freak" because you're not different than them. But I was different. Even before anybody know anything really significant about me. No, a scar on my head was nothing significant to me. The scars on my torso and my back are more important. And the scars on my arms and my legs even more important than those.  
  
I still remember the sun always warm on my back  
  
The sun is actually rather bright for this fierce wind. And it reminds me too. It reminds me to a time when I had finished a days lawn work, and a was tired. I laid in the sun, face down because it was bright, and relaxed. I can remember thinking that this unfair. To have someone weak as me do this much work, when my favorite cousin needed the workout. But nonetheless, enjoying the sun, as I didn't get the chance to get outside too often... And as more memories flood, I close my eyes tight, as if that would take them away.  
  
Somehow it seems colder now  
  
My breathing has quickened to an unhealthy rate for no apparent reason. Apparent, meaning physical. But I know the reason. And that knowledge makes it quicken even more. The sun doesn't bring me the comfort like it did when I was little. Keeping me looking only slightly more healthy than I would be without it. When did it start that people with a tan are more healthy than people very pale? But it's the truth, and if I kept even a slight tan, I would raise less eyebrows. God, even when I was little, I had to watch my back, always growing up way too fast. Not physically, of course, because being contained in a cupboard doesn't do well.  
  
Where has my heart gone  
  
And I can feel tears spill again, burning again my cold skin. The cupboard could scare me more than anything, and I did well to hide that fact. It's still safe inside my mind. Nothing's safe there though. Because I've turned sick and demented.. I disgust myself. And I wish somehow I was away from my own being. But that only comes in death. And my face becomes stiff with this thought. For my safety, he said.  
  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
  
My changes did not go unnoticed, unfortunately. Nothing about me goes unnoticed. They're probably watching me right now. Oh lord, that sounded pathetic, even to me. I'm getting as bad as Moody. But it's the truth, another part of me argues. They have been watching me closely, in case I go jump off a roof. Because when you suddenly go silent (for the most part), it's a sign of depression. Good lord, everything's a sign of depression. Who's not depressed?. Ah well, it's not like I'm going to off myself anytime too soon. I've got to much to do. The responsibilities that are on my shoulders only.  
  
Oh I - I want to go back to believing in everything  
  
I didn't know that then. When I was innocent. I wonder what he thought, when I was already going through fate at that young age. Too young. He knew then, he knew and he refused to tell me. He refused because he thought it would make it somehow easier. And now I am crying. Really crying. Because even now, I don't want this. I never want it. And this is when those thoughts of suicide seem to seep in. But I know I can't go. I can never go. This seems to, even though it should upset me, calm me down, and I take a deep breath. Even though I may be under strict watch right now, they know that this is just me letting frustrations out, not about to off myself. Because they know that I know I can't....  
  
Where has my heart gone?  
  
Oh god, I've not only become bitter and cold.. But hopeless. I know I cannot win. I'm simply not strong enough, mentally, physically, emotionally. Emotionally. I hate that. The fact that I can be so weak because of a few events. Events that should have never happened. But my soul is corrupt. And I have lost hope for myself, I cannot awaken from this realm of negativity.  
  
An uneven trade for the real world  
  
Sometimes I think about just giving up the wizarding world. Why bother when it only gives you more and more pain. But then I think about it, and logic kicks in. It's my home, where I belong.. well I don't know if I belong anywhere. Besides, the Muggle world only gives me pain, too. Like I said, I belong nowhere. I did for a while, even if I didn't completely fit in. I belonged. And I miss it.  
  
Oh I - I want to go back to  
  
Memories flashed. My so-called "uncle" forcing us all in the car and driving us out to some abandoned bum hotel. Hagrid telling me I was a wizard. An answer to why I wasn't right there. Getting Hedwig, my first friend in general. And Ron, the first person I met that wanted to have a friendship.. It actually had scared me. What if I did something wrong? So innocent. Then walking into my home, and seeing it for the first time. Amazing. True sadness pangs at my heart. How I miss it. I'm still amazed by this castle, but I've grown use to it. I miss feeling like anything was possible. So innocent.  
  
Believing in everything  
  
And when I went to classes, I learned more and more about the wonders magic could give me. Growing up thinking it wasn't real. And then the opening to so many possibilities. I believed I could have died and gone to heaven... Until trouble started. And like anywhere, I didn't belong. I was too famous to be normal. And with flying like I did, to just give me yet more attention. Looking back, I'm surprised I didn't hear from the press about how I might have paid Dumbledore to let me on the team, or some excuse for being so young on the team. But flying was also a release. Freedom. And it still is. One of my few.  
  
Oh where - Where has my heart gone?  
  
Hermione is worried. Because she's been a true friend. But I've been cold to her, especially lately. I know I cannot keep up with everybody's good mood. And I cannot keep faking happiness that I do not have. And she sees past that. Knowing that I'm screwed up. And is still my friend. But I cannot return these feelings of genuine love and concern to her, because I've lost all my hope. And I'm now stuck in my pain. I'm sorry Hermione. Sometimes I wonder why I can't feel. Why I can't feel the feelings of love from friendship, of happiness from stupid jokes, why everything seems to lead to another thought of hurt. And I wonder if there's anything good in me..  
  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
  
Sometimes I feel like I'm not me. And I'm not talking about Voldemort possessing me. I'm talking about not living. Like you just seem to go on and on, and sometimes foreign feelings come up, and you think in these thoughts of negativity so much, you wonder if it's healthy. Wow, that was a long thought. I wonder if I'll ever get better. When it's all good and done and over.. Will I ever be happy again? I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. Who am I?  
  
Oh I - I want to go back to believing in everything.  
  
Not even they can tell me who I am. Hagrid couldn't when he told me I was a wizard. Dumbledore can't when he tells me I'm a hero. The hat can't when he tells me I'm a Gryffindor, of course it couldn't, it couldn't even place me easily. I don't belong anywhere. I wish I belonged like I did before this all started. I belonged only slightly, but I did. Draco Malfoy can't tell me who I am, even though your enemy can see some truth, and your friends are blinded by friendship. I respect Draco for telling me the truth. Voldemort cannot tell me who I am when he shouts insults and calls me half-breed. Hypocrite. I want to go back to when I was normal, and then I know that that was when I had parents. I was normal for one whole year, and that was it.  
  
I still remember...  
  
The sun has gone, and the wind is even colder. I can remember a time that if I came out here for that long, I would come back to worry so great that it might even result in a fight. Now I'll return to my home where I don't fit in and see if anyone noticed I was gone. And I remember the times I thought I couldn't go on, when it was truly hard, and I wasn't in my fields of innocence, and yet this seems worse. And I sadly know that it'll be overcome by harder struggles. So this is a negative-optimistic thought. It's very hard right now, very hard. But not as hard as it could be. The sharp wind flows against me, as my life had more or less, making me struggle towards where I needed to be. I can fight this struggle today.  
....  
  
I think I had to end on a kind happy note, because I was depressing myself with this. Haha, sorry people! I like sad endings, I do! But I suck at writing them when I keep getting myself depressed with my own writing. Well hope you liked it, if you like it enough, and review enough, I might make a story out of it, meaning what happened before hand. Hell, I'll let any of you take that up, as a challenge, if you tell me you're gunna write it. Please review. Love! -Steph  
  
---GAHH, you try and try to get this to work right for , but it never works. 


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